And now, a word from "Lucien Bouchard":
I must in all honesty tell you that I couldn't live in Canada, because it's not a real country.
They don't play real football in Canada. They have three downs and extra points and very high scores. They should have four downs and lots of timeouts and low scores. That's what a real country would have.
They don't play real hockey in Canada. You have to look so hard to see the tiny black puck. They should have a puck with a blue glow and a red streak following it. That's what a real country should have.
They don't have real television in Canada. They have Anne of the Green Gables, and North of 60 and Man Alive. They should have Geraldo, and Rush Limbaugh and Baywatch. That's what a real country would have.
They don't have real radio in Canada. They have Morningside, and As It Happens, and even Double Exposure. They should have Howard Stern and Gordon Liddy and heavy metal. That's what a real country would have.
They don't have real uses for nuclear power in Canada. They use it for lighting houses! They should be out there in the Pacific Ocean to see how big an explosion it can make. That's what a real country would do.
They don't have real guns in Canada. A few people have some rifles, a few have shotguns. Every citizen should be allowed to stock up on .45s and .357s and .22s. That's what a real country would do.
They don't have real soldiers in Canada. They spend their whole time acting like friendly policemen. They never fire at anyone. They should order them to attack small countries all the time, getting rid of dictators and foreign leaders. That's what a real country would do.
It's crazy to provide equal health care for every citizen in the country. People should be made to pay for their health care. That's what a real country would do.
And how silly can you get to ask the leader of a country to stand up every day and answer questions about what he's been doing? Instead, they should be left alone to hold meetings and make all their decisions without being questioned. That's what a real country would do.
And listen to this: no matter how bad the crime, Canadians don't kill people. Instead, all criminals should be hanged or shot, or put to sleep. That's what a real country would do.
You see, my friends, I want to live in a real country. Not a country where the winters are always cold. Not a country where the airports are always filled with thousands people who want to move here. Not a country where they force you to pay people at least a minimum wage. Not a country where natives are going to get their land back from the government. Not a country where English and French are accepted everywhere. Not a country where people of all ethnic backgrounds are respected. Not a country where the poor places are helped out by the rich places. These things don't happen in a real country. They only happen in Canada, and I find that very sad.
And that's why I tell you today, I'm going to have my own country. I couldn't live in Canada. Canada is not a real country.
(Thanks to Bob Robertson and Linda Cullen of the CBC Radio show "Double Exposure" for the preceding comment)