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As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
 

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A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell. The party waiting behind her was a group from Ottawa that included Justin Trudeau.

Trudeau quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.

She thanked him and started to leave, when he said, "I'm Justin Trudeau and I hope you'll vote for me in the next Federal Election.

She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my ass, not my head!"
 

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Canadian By Choice
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As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
:eek::D:lmao::lmao:
 

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Discussion Starter · #25 ·
An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."
 

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A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.”
 

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"
 

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Canadian By Choice
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:eek::lmao::eek::lmao:

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"
 

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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
 

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Discussion Starter · #30 ·
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down, Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Minutes later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation...she never got your email!"
 

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I can't find any more recent joke threads. Funky algorithms in this new forum software....

In any event, for your amusement:

 

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Good joke!

"Joke du Jour" is the longest running joke thread.
 

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* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I am 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer it!"
 

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Sourced from the Reddit TIFU thread. Not really LOL, but well-crafted.

Posted byu/sjmp75020
TIFU by making two women scream​
My wife and I are staying at a beautiful, quaint country inn to celebrate the 20th anniversary of our first date, which took place at the restaurant here while we were both students at the local university. Incidentally, for anyone considering how to start a successful marriage, I highly recommend timing it to coordinate with an international disaster causing decades of trauma everyone on earth has likely been affected by. It’s a great thing to bond over. But I digress.​
My wife is still sleeping, likely exhausted by the 4 1/2 minute lovemaking session I rewarded her with last night (she’s not one of the women I made scream), and I am sitting quietly enjoying my morning coffee on the patio. The overnight Innkeeper, a very attractive young woman named Kyla, just emerged from the front door carrying an arms load of leftover produce (which I later learned were for her lizard, George) and she dropped one of them and bent over to pick it up, inadvertently revealing a significant amount of cleavage.​
One would think, with me having decades of experience at not being noticed by women looking directly at me, that I should not just assume Kyla would have noticed me sitting quietly five feet from her, but I did and she did not, and therefore when I asked her if I could be of assistance in picking up her carton of organic greens, she let out a brief but loud little scream.​
This is where I should mention, to divert some of the blame for all this screaming from my inherent creepiness, that this country inn is reportedly haunted by the ghost of the farmer who once owned the house that was turned in to this inn, along with hundreds of acres of surrounding farmland. I guess he is none too pleased that his land was developed in to a planned community for wealthy suburbanites and liberal college professors. The inn is frequented by newlyweds who stay after being married at a nearby event center, also on Farmer Curmudgeon’s old land. I wonder, then, why anyone would assume the moans heard at night are from ghosts and not the newlyweds enjoying themselves more than my wife did. The presence of ghosts probably puts women in a heightened sense of fear that has nothing to do with me.​
In any event, Kyla, having now screamed and maybe pissed herself a bit, turned to me and said “Oh my God, you scared me to death.” I then responded “I’m very sorry. You’re the second woman I made scream like that in the last few hours.” This is true. Last evening, while my wife was preparing herself to look as beautiful as always in preparation for our night out and her eventual sexual disappointment, I was exploring the inn and came across the general manager, another attractive, older woman named Barbara, while she was cleaning some glasses. Again stupidly assuming that an attractive woman would have noticed me, I said hello and she also screamed in fright and perhaps pissed herself.​
Upon hearing me boast of making numerous women scream, Kyla’s mouth dropped open, dumbfounded. At that time, I artfully tried to explain myself and said, “Oh no - I don’t mean it that way. I mean I made Barbara scream like that last night.” Surprisingly, Kyla did not immediately reverse her sense that I was a total creeper, and her mouth dropped further and her eyes widened to mouth levels. I was unsure whether Kyla assumed I was admitting to amazing sexual prowess (at this point she had finally seen me, so likely not) or to having murdered her boss, so I tried to lighten the mood by saying “I didn’t mean that like it sounded. I haven’t made a woman scream that way in a long time.” And to make it apparent that I wasn’t some random rapist that happened upon the inn’s patio and helped myself to its coffee, I offered, “You can ask my wife. She is staying here.” Notice I did not say “we are staying here,” thus making myself sound like a jilted husband who just stalked and murdered his cheating wife (though who could really blame her for needing a man who can sexually satisfy her).​
Kyla showed amazing grace, or perhaps was just trying to create a bond with her would-be rapist and murderer so I would reconsider, and we ended up having a nice conversation. She did politely decline when I Ted Bundy-esquely offered to help her carry her things to her car, though. My wife and I are leaving in a few hours, thankfully, just as soon as she can walk after that pounding I gave her.​
TL;DR: I scared a couple of women and then bragged that I’m an orgasm machine or a serial killer.​
 
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