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Discussion Starter #1
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 kilos that week.
 

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Discussion Starter #2
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's really not so bad."
When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband 'Keith' came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi, Keith!"
 

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Discussion Starter #3
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes down stairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of
coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?"
he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her
husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a
shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my
daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
 

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Discussion Starter #4
A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots
the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the
fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up
right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman. "Good
day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to
s hit when you hear the price."
 

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STRONG COFFEE


An woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask
 his advice on reviving her husband's libido.


'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.


'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't even take an
 aspirin.'


'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. Drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He
 won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to
 let me know how things went..'


It was a week later when she called the doctor, who
 directly inquired as to her progress.


The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
 T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'


'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.


'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee
 and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up,
 with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and with his
 pants a-bulging fiercely!

With one swoop of his arms, he
 sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to
 tatters and took me then and there passionately on the
 tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute
 nightmare!'


'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex
 your husband provided wasn't good?'


'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years!
 But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show
 me face in Tim Horton's again
!


EDITED to remove reference to locale / potentially hurtful references.
 

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Canadian By Choice
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With apologies to my friends in Newfoundland & Labrador....

STRONG COFFEE


An Newfie woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask
 his advice on reviving her husband's libido.


'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.


'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't even take an
 aspirin.'


'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Newfie
 Viagra'...


'What is Newfie Viagra?', she asked.

It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He
 won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to
 let me know how things went..'


It was a week later when she called the doctor, who
 directly inquired as to her progress.


The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
 T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'


'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.


'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee
 and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up,
 with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and with his
 pants a-bulging fiercely!

With one swoop of his arms, he
 sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to
 tatters and took me then and there passionately on the
 tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute
 nightmare!'


'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex
 your husband provided wasn't good?'


'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years!
 But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show
 me face in Tim Horton's again
!
Heard this one before, CM. While I don't like the term "Newfie", nor the concept of the Newfie joke, I still got a chuckle out of the ending.
 

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If you're going to tell a joke that requires dialect for humour, better to simply state where the joke takes place.
 

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Canadian By Choice
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If you're going to tell a joke that requires dialect for humour, better to simply state where the joke takes place.
Well, a similar dialect exists in Nova Scotia ................ so CM might have said that this was a "Bluenose joke" ............. but it would not make it any less offensive to a particular group of people.

Paix, mon ami.
 

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The traditional "newfie" joke was based on the stupidity of the person involved. Your mileage may vary, but if the joke doesn't indicate the lack of intelligence of one group or another, I have no trouble if the joke employs specific speech patterns. if the Irishman, the Texan and the Russian are deciding who gets the last life preserver on the Titanic, I enjoy the accents.
 

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After reflecting on the points raised, I have edited the original (Dr. G., if you would be so kind to also remove the references in your quoted post above).

I'd thought about defending this from various aspects - East Coast humour has frequently been self-parodying, no harm was meant, my friends who live there are the ones who send me the best ones, etc., but it's true that we do need to address proactively these "harmless" jokes that poke fun of one sub-group of the population or another.

My bad. Apologies to anyone so offended. Thanks for keeping me on my toes.
 

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Canadian By Choice
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The traditional "newfie" joke was based on the stupidity of the person involved. Your mileage may vary, but if the joke doesn't indicate the lack of intelligence of one group or another, I have no trouble if the joke employs specific speech patterns. if the Irishman, the Texan and the Russian are deciding who gets the last life preserver on the Titanic, I enjoy the accents.
I will agree here. If the joke does not "indicate the lack of intelligence of one group", then the accent is not harmful to that particular group of people. That was not the case in CM's joke, in that who would be stupid enough to try this at Tim Hortons. Why was it called "Newfie Viagra"? Personally, I don't like jokes that downplay the intelligence of people, be they from NL, NS, the GTA, or if they are blonds, from a different country or culture, are of a different skin color than some other person, etc. There is a "joke" going around about a couple of Libertarians in Toronto who go to Parliament Hill .............. which I don't find funny and I don't think you would either.

So, let's agree to disagree and move on. OK? Merci, mon ami.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
OMG!!! time for a joke to cheer you guys up!!!!

A father walks into a pharmacy with his son and the son asks what are these pointing at condoms?
the father noticed a 2 pack and says those are for high school boys to have a good friday night..
then the son asks what about the 6 pack, the father replies those for college men to have a great weekend..
the son replies wow, then asks about the 12 pack.. the father simply turns to his son and sheds a tear, those are for married men.. one for January, February, March....
 

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Canadian By Choice
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OMG!!! time for a joke to cheer you guys up!!!!

A father walks into a pharmacy with his son and the son asks what are these pointing at condoms?
the father noticed a 2 pack and says those are for high school boys to have a good friday night..
then the son asks what about the 6 pack, the father replies those for college men to have a great weekend..
the son replies wow, then asks about the 12 pack.. the father simply turns to his son and sheds a tear, those are for married men.. one for January, February, March....
:eek::lmao::lmao:
 

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Discussion Starter #16
One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!" I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

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A man walked into a bar. When he regained consciousness...
 

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I meant to hear the one about the Libertarians in Toronto!
 

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There's libertarians in Toronto?? :eek:

(with apologies to Torontonians for joking that we're all left wing pinkos here :) )
 
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