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Old Apr 12th, 2010, 08:03 PM   #1
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Application for permission to date my daughter

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: __________________________________________________ ___________
__________________________________________________ ___________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
__________________________________________________ __________________

__________________________________________________ __________________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend __________________________________________________ _

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

__________________________________________________ ____________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

__________________________________________________ ____________

C: A woman's place is in the:

__________________________________________________ ____________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

__________________________________________________ ____________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

__________________________________________________ ____________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.


__________________________________________________ _______
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.



Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi .. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car
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Old Apr 12th, 2010, 08:26 PM   #2
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SnOrt. Copy. Forward...
(Thanks)
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Old Apr 12th, 2010, 08:33 PM   #3
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Two comments, dol:

1. The question about the suitor's parental gender is completely irrelevant (I assume you can't change it).
2. Believe it or not, this form doesn't cover everything. Based on my experience with my daughter, the form needs something along these lines:

NOTE: This form will be automatically rejected if you are more than 10% older than my daughter.
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Old Apr 12th, 2010, 08:40 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kazak View Post
Two comments, dol:

1. The question about the suitor's parental gender is completely irrelevant (I assume you can't change it).
2. Believe it or not, this form doesn't cover everything. Based on my experience with my daughter, the form needs something along these lines:

NOTE: This form will be automatically rejected if you are more than 10% older than my daughter.
Edits noted, agreed and implemented.
Changed gender question to "Are they Human?"
If no, explain.

More Added Blanks: Blood Type, Health Insurance Number and Next of Kin

Last edited by KC4; Apr 12th, 2010 at 09:02 PM. Reason: DNA Sample?
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Old Apr 12th, 2010, 08:42 PM   #5
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Geez, did I stumble into the test thread AGAIN?
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Old Apr 12th, 2010, 09:03 PM   #6
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My son was thinking ahead. When his daughter was in grade school, she would frequently "forget" her books or lunch or something else important. Randy told her that the next time she called him to bring some forgotten item to school, he would deliver it in his work clothes (he works at home, often in pyjamas and bathrobe). And the next time she called, he did exactly that - walked into her classroom in his bathrobe. She never forgot anything again.

She believes him when he says he'll do the same thing now if she's not home when she says she will be.

Margaret
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Old Apr 12th, 2010, 10:38 PM   #7
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My daughter is only six and that list is pretty lenient in my book.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kazak View Post
1. The question about the suitor's parental gender is completely irrelevant

Questioning the relevancy of any part of the list is an automatic disqualification.
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Old Apr 13th, 2010, 09:11 AM   #8
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Cool The Creep Test

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kazak View Post
NOTE: This form will be automatically rejected if you are more than 10% older than my daughter.
Use the Creep Test:

From my daughter:

Take the guy's age:

Divide by 2

Add 7

If your daughter's age is less than that number .... It's creepy.



20/2+7= 17

16/2+7= 15

14/2+7= 14

But remember that it is a sliding scale:

50/2+7=32

80/2+7 = 47

It actually anticipates spring/autumn romances.

And also:

10/2+7=12

I guy that young needs someone older.
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Old Apr 13th, 2010, 09:22 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bsenka View Post
Questioning the relevancy of any part of the list is an automatic disqualification.
+1

"Let's remove the part about beating too, because that's violence against a minor!"
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Old Apr 13th, 2010, 09:54 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lichen Software View Post
But remember that it is a sliding scale:

50/2+7=32

80/2+7 = 47

It actually anticipates spring/autumn romances.
Still creepy. Too Chaplinesque.
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