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Old Oct 19th, 2004, 08:29 AM   #81
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The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."!

Cheers

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Old Oct 19th, 2004, 03:48 PM   #82
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Good one, Sinc. Youth is wasted on the young.
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Old Oct 19th, 2004, 04:47 PM   #83
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The famous Olympic skier Picabo (pronounced "Peek-A-Boo") Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse.*

She currently works in the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital, however, she is not permitted to answer the telephone while she is at work.*

It simply caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say:* "Picabo, ICU."

[img]graemlins/lmao.gif[/img]
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Old Oct 19th, 2004, 05:47 PM   #84
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"Picabo, ICU." [img]graemlins/lmao.gif[/img] [img]tongue.gif[/img]
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Old Oct 21st, 2004, 12:31 PM   #85
 
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One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop. He then asked one of the men, "Why are you eating grass?

The man replied, "I don't have any money for food. I have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll see that you are fed" the lawyer said.

"But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, eating grass under that tree."

"So much the better, bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man who also had been eating grass he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a weak and pitiful voice replied, "But sir, I**have a wife and SIX children with me! *They are over there under that other tree eating grass"

"So much the better, bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all got in the car, which was no easy task, even for a limousine.

Once underway, one of the pitiful fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you may be a lawyer, but you are a very kind man.**Thank you for inviting us."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place .. the grass is almost a foot high!"
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Old Oct 21st, 2004, 12:37 PM   #86
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A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done. Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding." He said,

"Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
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Old Oct 21st, 2004, 07:12 PM   #87
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An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"

"He said the reflector is broken."

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"

"I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake..."
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Old Oct 22nd, 2004, 10:05 AM   #88
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Things Dachshunds Must Try To Remember....

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not eat any more socks, Kleenex or napkins, and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Dad's driver's license and car registration.

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

I will not roll around in the dirt right after getting a bath.

The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
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Old Oct 22nd, 2004, 10:17 AM   #89
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Penny Drinks

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One penny!?" exclaimed the guy. The barman replied, "Yes."

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?" "Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents," he replies. "Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
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Old Oct 22nd, 2004, 10:25 AM   #90
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Corporate Talk

Helping you figure out those slick and glossies from companies recruiting here are what they actually mean.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY" We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.

"IMMEDIATE OPENING" The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

"PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS" After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.

"COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT" We have a lot of turnover.

"EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT" Guys in grey suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.

"JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM" We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"FLEXIBLE HOURS" Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

"DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.

"ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD" You whine, you're fired.
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