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Old Oct 14th, 2004, 03:13 PM   #71
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Today is Oct.14th. Your birthday was exactly 6 months ago, and will come again 6 months from today. Thus, -6 and +6 = 0. Thus, your birthday is 0 days from today, which is today. So, today is your birthday. Happy Birthday!!!!
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Old Oct 14th, 2004, 07:57 PM   #72
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Old Oct 15th, 2004, 08:14 AM   #73
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A very drunk gent checked into a hotel late one Saturday night. He awoke very ill, and summoned a bellboy to fetch him a bottle of whiskey and a Sunday newspaper. The bellhop was gone a long time.

When he returned, the lush remarked, "It must be hard to buy a bottle in this town on Sunday."

"There was no trouble with the liquor," replied the bellboy, "but it's tough finding a Sunday paper on Tuesday."
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Old Oct 15th, 2004, 09:47 AM   #74
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A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So the head monk goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying.

He asks, "What's wrong?"

"The word is celebrate," says the old monk.

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Old Oct 15th, 2004, 10:17 AM   #75
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My life, Explained

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Old Oct 16th, 2004, 05:20 AM   #76
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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

----------------------------------------------------------

Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.

__________________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July 15th.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

______________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

_____________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

___________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

____________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

______________________________________


Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo or the occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

__________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

_____________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

_____________________________________

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

____________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

______________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

______________________________________

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

______________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

_____________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

_____________________________________

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

______________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

______________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

______________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
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Old Oct 16th, 2004, 12:09 PM   #77
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Abe's son arrives home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face. "Dad, you'll be so proud of me" he says, "I saved a dollar by running behind the bus all the way home".
"Oy" says Abe, "You could have run behind a taxi and saved $20"!

Cheers

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Old Oct 16th, 2004, 01:05 PM   #78
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Oy vey!!!!! [img]tongue.gif[/img]
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Old Oct 17th, 2004, 08:59 AM   #79
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A couple, both 78, went to a sex therapist's office in Winter Haven, Florida. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $140. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare. Is Florida great or what!"
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Old Oct 19th, 2004, 08:12 AM   #80
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A young student was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The student stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The student said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The student replied, "Then you ask him".


*** *** ***

A boy walked into a supermarket and asked the clerk, "Can I have a turkey for my grandma?"

The clerk responded, "Sorry. We don't do exchanges."
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