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Old Oct 1st, 2004, 10:13 AM   #21
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A guy is driving around the wide open spaces outside of Calgary and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a beautiful black Labrador retriever sitting there

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the Canadian government about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

The Lab continued his story -- "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the Calgary airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible! dealings."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars." The guy says,

"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of those things."
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Old Oct 1st, 2004, 12:56 PM   #22
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A man was asleep and God came to him in a dream. God said, "Is there anything you'd like to ask me?"

The man thought a minute and then he said, "Yes. What is a hundred years to you?"

God said, "A hundred years is like a second."

The man said, "Can I ask you another question? What is a million dollars like to you?"

God said, "Well, a million dollars is like a penny to me."

The man said, "And now I have one more question. Can I borrow a penny?"

God said, "Sure. Just a second."
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Old Oct 1st, 2004, 01:49 PM   #23
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Good one, Doug. As the old Yiddish saying goes, "From your lips to God's ear."
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Old Oct 1st, 2004, 08:21 PM   #24
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Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Just two, but how the little critter get inside of a light bulb is beyond me!
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Old Oct 1st, 2004, 10:22 PM   #25
 
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I went to the store the other day and was only in there for about 5 minutes.
When I came out, there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So, I called him a piece of horse manure.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield, with the first.
Then, he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care.
My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day.
It's important at my age.
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Old Oct 1st, 2004, 10:47 PM   #26
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An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of beer. After awhile, he finds himself in a very high-class neighborhood with big, stately residences—no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all, no public restrooms. He really, really has to go, especially after all those beers. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know." "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom." "Ah, yes," said the Bobbie, "just follow me." He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away, anywhere you want." The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie, "That was really decent of you. Is that British hospitality?" "No," replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face, "That is the French Embassy."

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Old Oct 1st, 2004, 10:50 PM   #27
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[img]graemlins/lmao.gif[/img] [img]tongue.gif[/img]
Hopefully, the American had a "Reelect Bush" button on his coat.
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Old Oct 1st, 2004, 10:59 PM   #28
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Great one, Sinc. Consider it copied, pasted, and kept. To be retold countless times next week...
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Old Oct 1st, 2004, 11:10 PM   #29
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Glad you chaps enjoyed it!

Thanks.

Cheers

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Old Oct 2nd, 2004, 12:16 PM   #30
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Five men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, the fourth was a computer tech, and the fifth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called his dog."T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty incredible.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and commanded "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff. " Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was more than a little impressive.

The computer tech knew he could top them all. "Hard Drive, have a go at it." Hard Drive crossed the room and booted the computer, checked for viruses, upgraded the operating system, sent an email, and installed a cool new game. Everyone knew that was a tough act to follow.

Then the four men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff, Boy." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, erased all the files on the computer, screwed the other four dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for
unsafe working conditions, put in for workers compensation and went home for six-month sick leave.
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