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joke du jour

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#1 ·
A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 130 times last year."
The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 timmes last year."
The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."

The husband's condition has been reduced from critical to stable
and he should make a full recovery.
 
#3 ·
Blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.

The salesman assured her that they had a large selection of pink
curtains. He showed her several patterns, but the blond seemed to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman asked what size curtains she needed.
The blond replies: "fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"

The blond tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her
computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "but, Miss, computers do not need curtains!"

The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo........I've got Windows!"
 
#5 ·
Brilliant!!!!!!
 
#9 ·
Married

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly ...

he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f -----g blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.
 
#10 ·
Monday, Sep 27
Baltimore - An employee of the Space Telescope Science Institute was detained for questioning by the FBI this morning. No charges have been laid. The unnamed man is suspected of uploading a software hack to the Hubble Space Telescope. "The code is non-malicious and poses no threat to operations other than a small setback in schedule", said an STSI spokesperson, "The uploaded code allowed the hacker to aim Hubble towards Earth - which is normally a prohibited target. The objects resolved by the telescope in this case happened to coincide with the location of the Whitehouse in Washington DC - which explains why the employee has attracted the attention of federal authorities."

In response to questions about possible links to terrorism the spokesperson stated, "I cannot speculate on that, although - as I said - I see no malicious intent. Let me put it another way: an act of terrorism would have tested our president's resolve. This event however seems only to have resolved our president's testis".

[ September 27, 2004, 07:40 PM: Message edited by: vacuvox ]
 
#13 ·
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

GEORGE W BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this?!? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Eggsplorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. The answer depends on your definition of chicken.

HILLARY CLINTON
Even though I am the smartest woman in the world and know all there is to know about everything, I do not know anything about any chicken including the one allegedly found in my residence.

AL GORE
I invented the chicken!

THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there Was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?
 
#15 ·
So, tell me again why this Hubble thing is posted in the joke du jour thread?

Geez guys... what - no amateur astronomers in the house? well.....


excuuuuuuuuuse meeeeeeeee!

[edited to fix the SM link]

[ September 29, 2004, 06:38 PM: Message edited by: vacuvox ]
 
#17 ·
A blonde man from Arkansas is going on his first overseas
trip. He drives all the way into Little Rock to apply for a
passport. In the passport office, the government official sees
that he is visibly puzzled filling his passport application.
The passport official looks over his shoulder, and sees the
blonde trying to write 'twice a week' into the small space
labeled 'SEX.'
The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean
by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female.'"

"Doesn't matter," the blonde answers.
 
#19 ·
The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of wealthy city people, met and decided that this month's outing was to be at a dairy farm. Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen such a thing.

The day came, and the city folk filed into the rented bus which whisked them off to their destination. On the way, they watched out the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside.

After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions.

Myrtle, after looking about, and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him - he sauntered in.

"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone: "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep' em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
 
#20 ·
A guy is driving around the wide open spaces outside of Calgary and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a beautiful black Labrador retriever sitting there

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the Canadian government about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

The Lab continued his story -- "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the Calgary airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible! dealings."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars." The guy says,

"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of those things."
 
#21 ·
A man was asleep and God came to him in a dream. God said, "Is there anything you'd like to ask me?"

The man thought a minute and then he said, "Yes. What is a hundred years to you?"

God said, "A hundred years is like a second."

The man said, "Can I ask you another question? What is a million dollars like to you?"

God said, "Well, a million dollars is like a penny to me."

The man said, "And now I have one more question. Can I borrow a penny?"

God said, "Sure. Just a second."
 
#22 ·
Good one, Doug. As the old Yiddish saying goes, "From your lips to God's ear."
 
#23 ·
Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Just two, but how the little critter get inside of a light bulb is beyond me!
 
#24 ·
I went to the store the other day and was only in there for about 5 minutes.
When I came out, there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So, I called him a piece of horse manure.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield, with the first.
Then, he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care.
My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day.
It's important at my age.
 
#25 ·
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of beer. After awhile, he finds himself in a very high-class neighborhood with big, stately residences—no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all, no public restrooms. He really, really has to go, especially after all those beers. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know." "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom." "Ah, yes," said the Bobbie, "just follow me." He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away, anywhere you want." The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie, "That was really decent of you. Is that British hospitality?" "No," replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face, "That is the French Embassy."

Cheers

:D
 
#26 ·
:D

Hopefully, the American had a "Reelect Bush" button on his coat.
 
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