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Old Oct 19th, 2016, 12:59 PM   #1991
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Quote:
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A thirsty sailor runs from his boat to the nearest bar and shouts to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your
best scotch, quick!" The bartender pours out the shots, and the sailor drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender
is very impressed and exclaims, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast. "The sailor replies, "Well, you'd
drink that fast too, if you had what I have." The bartender says, "Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?"
"Fifty cents!"
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Old Oct 27th, 2016, 09:39 AM   #1992
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The Rabbi Hears Confession


A Priest in a small town was called away for an emergency on a Sunday afternoon while he was about to hear confessions. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, and having no one else to assist him he called his Rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The Rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say or do.

The Priest told him to come over and he'd stay with him for a little bit to show him what to do. The Rabbi dutifully came over. The Rabbi and the Priest were in the confessional working out the details.

A few minutes later, a woman came in and said, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asked, "What did you do?"
The woman said, "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put five dollars in the donation box and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later a man entered the confessional. He said, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Man: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put five dollars in the box and go and sin no more."
The Rabbi told the Priest that he thought he understood the procedure, so the Priest left.

A few minutes later another woman entered and said, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for five dollars!"
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Old Nov 1st, 2016, 09:57 AM   #1993
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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."
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Old Nov 1st, 2016, 10:39 AM   #1994
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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."
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Old Nov 5th, 2016, 01:44 PM   #1995
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From Grampa Jones:


"Once knowed a feller who was SO baldy-headed, he had to make a chalk mark on his head, so's he knew when to stop washing his face!"
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Old Nov 5th, 2016, 02:12 PM   #1996
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From Grampa Jones:


"Once knowed a feller who was SO baldy-headed, he had to make a chalk mark on his head, so's he knew when to stop washing his face!"
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Old Nov 14th, 2016, 11:57 AM   #1997
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Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over.. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots..

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.. Shoulda bought a hat."
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Old Nov 14th, 2016, 07:01 PM   #1998
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rps View Post
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over.. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots..

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.. Shoulda bought a hat."
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Old Apr 30th, 2017, 01:03 PM   #1999
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EDIT: See SAP today for a funny about a sermon.

(this is me realizing halfway through posting a joke, that I snagged it from Don's website)

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Old Apr 30th, 2017, 01:07 PM   #2000
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I remember being in a corporate meeting in which some unfortunate was asked how "the newsletter project" was going. He hemmed and hawed, explained progress to date and the difficulty in assembling the committee members, etc. After five minutes of blather, someone said, "Hold on a second man, you're not on the newsletter committee."

He barely seemed embarrassed--just what any corporate stooge woulda done!


Quote:
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One Sunday morning as Pastor Smith is about to deliver his sermon, he asks the congregation how many of them managed to read Mark Chapter 17 as he'd asked them to the previous Sunday.

Almost all hands in the church went up.

"Very well," Pastor Smith continued.

"By the way, Mark only has 16 chapters, and the topic of today's sermon shall be lying."
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