joke du jour - Page 102 - ehMac.ca
Facebook
Twitter
YouTube
Register FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read Advertise


Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old Aug 11th, 2006, 10:31 AM   #1011
Resident Curmudgeon
 
SINC's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Central Alberta
Posts: 86,945
Send a message via AIM to SINC
Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says, "Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."

The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it’s a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die."

"Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it." So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.

"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.

"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.

"Yeah, I think I do!"

"Well, I didn't."
__________________
Visit my website:
St. Albert's Place On The Web
(Over 3.7 million folks have.)
SINC is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old Aug 11th, 2006, 02:57 PM   #1012
Honourable Citizen
 
MLeh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Left coast
Posts: 2,972
An email I just got. I had to share it IMMEDIATELY: (Mostly for Sinc. )

History 101
Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.
They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer & would go to
the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter. The 2 most
important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the
invention of the wheel.

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of
modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of
humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so
while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be
invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were
formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at
night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is
known as "the Conservative movement."

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off
the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the
sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal
movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
became known as 'girliemen.'

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the
invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of Democratic
voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives
provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but
most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but
like their beef well done. Sushi , tofu, and French food are standard
liberal fare.

Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal
injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists
are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it
wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.Conservatives drink domestic
beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women.

Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate
executives, Marines, athletes and generally anyone who works
productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who
want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and
decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in
Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the
Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for
nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a
Liberal may have a momentary urge to respond to the above before simply
laughing and forwarding it. A Conservative will be so convinced of the
absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately.
__________________
"Without ambition one starts nothing. Without work one finishes nothing." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
MLeh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Aug 13th, 2006, 11:38 AM   #1013
Resident Curmudgeon
 
SINC's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Central Alberta
Posts: 86,945
Send a message via AIM to SINC
One good turn deserves another:

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world.

After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.

So she shot herself in the left kneecap.
__________________
Visit my website:
St. Albert's Place On The Web
(Over 3.7 million folks have.)
SINC is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Aug 14th, 2006, 07:12 AM   #1014
Honourable Citizen
 
MaxPower's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Wherever I lay my hat.
Posts: 4,799
Send a message via AIM to MaxPower
NEW YORK -- A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.

They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, George W. Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

Aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.
__________________
27" iMac
11" MacBook
Apple TV
iPhone 6S
________
MaxPower, he has the name that you want to touch, but you musn't touch!
His name sounds good in your ear, but when you hear it, you musn't fear.
Cause his name can be said, in many different ways...

Sung to the tune of Goldfinger
________
MaxPower is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Aug 14th, 2006, 10:00 AM   #1015
Resident Curmudgeon
 
SINC's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Central Alberta
Posts: 86,945
Send a message via AIM to SINC
Here are some incredibly useful phrases you can use when in the workplace...

If you don’t know what it is, call it an ‘issue’…

If you don’t know how it works, call it a ‘process’…

If you don’t know whether its worth doing, call it an ‘option’…

If you don’t know how it could possibly be done call it a ‘challenge’ or an ‘exciting opportunity’…

If you want to confuse people, ask them about ‘customers’…

If you don’t know how to do something, ‘empower’ someone else to do it for you…

If you can’t take decisions, ‘create space’ for others to operate…

If you need a decision, call a ‘workshop’ to ‘network’ and ‘ground

the issue’, followed by an ‘awayday’ to ‘position the elephant in the room’ and achieve ‘buy-in’…

Never criticize or boast, call it ‘information sharing’…

Never call something a failure or mistake, its a ‘positive learning experience’…

Never argue, have an ‘adult conversation’…
__________________
Visit my website:
St. Albert's Place On The Web
(Over 3.7 million folks have.)
SINC is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Aug 15th, 2006, 12:26 PM   #1016
Resident Curmudgeon
 
SINC's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Central Alberta
Posts: 86,945
Send a message via AIM to SINC
Hehehe:

__________________
Visit my website:
St. Albert's Place On The Web
(Over 3.7 million folks have.)
SINC is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Aug 15th, 2006, 12:27 PM   #1017
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 3,681
Don!

Very funny, though
RevMatt is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Aug 15th, 2006, 09:19 PM   #1018
Full Citizen
 
markceltic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: N.S.
Posts: 281
Send a message via AIM to markceltic
Perks of Getting Older
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you ???? "
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not without your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks
into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to
pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the
national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable
size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list ANDyou notice
these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
__________________
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong
enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson
markceltic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Aug 16th, 2006, 10:06 AM   #1019
Resident Curmudgeon
 
SINC's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Central Alberta
Posts: 86,945
Send a message via AIM to SINC
A couple of weeks back when we were away, they finally completed the remodelling of our neighbourhood Safeway store, a welcome thing as it was getting a bit shabby. Was quite a surprise when I shopped there for the first time.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and smell the scent of fresh hay. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn. I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
__________________
Visit my website:
St. Albert's Place On The Web
(Over 3.7 million folks have.)
SINC is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Aug 17th, 2006, 10:54 AM   #1020
Full Citizen
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Silverton, BC
Posts: 867
Send a message via AIM to duosonic
REAL NEWSPAPER ADS

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat ... been out a while.
Better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.
__________________
MacBookPro 13" 2.7 GHz Intel Core i7
Mainline Graphics & Communications ~ graphic design, business support services ~ Computer Tutoring: obedience training for you & your computer
duosonic is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
blonde joke du jour MACSPECTRUM Everything Else, eh! 39 Aug 10th, 2005 10:55 PM
joke du jour MACSPECTRUM Everything Else, eh! 169 Sep 20th, 2004 04:37 PM
joke du jour MACSPECTRUM Everything Else, eh! 3 Dec 22nd, 2003 03:37 PM
joke du jour MACSPECTRUM Everything Else, eh! 12 Nov 28th, 2003 12:27 PM
Joke du jour - Definiton of a consultant MACSPECTRUM Everything Else, eh! 2 Jun 11th, 2003 04:17 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 08:01 PM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
vBulletin Security provided by vBSecurity v2.2.2 (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2020 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
Copyright © 1999 - 2012, ehMac.ca All rights reserved. ehMac is not affiliated with Apple Inc. Mac, iPod, iTunes, iPhone, Apple TV are trademarks of Apple Inc. Content Relevant URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0 RC 2

Tribe.ca: Urban living in Toronto!