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Old Mar 10th, 2004, 05:59 PM   #1
 
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A husband walks into Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I'll not put it on, do the modeling naked and return it the next day and get a $500 refund for myself.

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500 they'd at least iron it!"

Funeral Services are pending.
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Old Mar 12th, 2004, 08:24 AM   #2
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At a convention of biological scientists, one prominent researcher remarked to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from rats to lawyers for our experiments?"

"Really?" the other researcher replied. "Why did you switch?"

"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do."
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Old Mar 13th, 2004, 03:54 PM   #3
 
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Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded.

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers.
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the
end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no
heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are
interchangeable.
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Old Mar 14th, 2004, 02:09 PM   #4
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Old Mar 14th, 2004, 04:23 PM   #5
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Yo! MacDoc, where you bin?

I got the "you're not hip enough" 'tude at the large Apple dealer in the lower east end of T.O. that opened last year.

5 staff (2 on the phone).... 1 customer (me) and 1 customer at cash.

I ask for ink.

I get from counter staff (a sloth-like goth) a glance at the ceiling and "we'll be right with you" ....

1 staff leaves the premises .... 2 wander ....

I ask wandering staff for ink ... "ask at the counter".

I leave .... come back in 20 minutes.

Same customer at checkout counter visibly pissed off.

Sloth-like goth asking her if she has shopped there before. She declines to answer saying "Put it on the card and let me out of here".

He: "is this your husband's card?
She: "Yes!"
He: "Has he shopped here before?"

Finally sloth goth to me: "Have you shopped here before?

Me: "just now for the last time"
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Old Mar 15th, 2004, 06:52 AM   #6
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A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us... they're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters... they lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said," That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
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Old Mar 16th, 2004, 08:39 AM   #7
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HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

6) In the memo field of all your checks, write "FOR SEXUAL FAVORS".

7) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

8) Dont use any punctuation

9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

12) Sing along at the opera.

13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16) Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, for example: Rock Hard or El Guapo (Or one of your choice).

17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"

18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

19) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity....

20) Send this to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.
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Old Mar 17th, 2004, 05:28 PM   #8
 
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A teacher in a small Texas town asks her class how many of them are Bush fans.
Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy, Johnny.
The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different.
Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush fan."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?"
Johnny says, "I'm a John Kerry fan."
The teacher asks why he's a John Kerry fan.
The boy says, "Well, my mom's a John Kerry fan and my dad's a John Kerry fan, so I'm a John Kerry fan!"
The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're mom was a moron and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."
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Old Mar 18th, 2004, 12:24 PM   #9
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A guy and an Ostrich walk into a bar and sit down, bartender asks "what will you have?" the man answers "a beer" and the bartender asks the Ostrich "the same" the bartender comes back with the beers and say's "that will be 5.25" the man goes into his coat pocket and pulls out exact change. The following day both the man and the Ostrich walk into the bar again the man asks for a beer and the Ostrich gets the same, the bartender comes back and says "that will be 5.25" the man again goes into his coat pocket and grabs exact change. The following night it was getting pretty close to last call the man and the Ostrich walk in sit down at the bar and the bartender asks " what will you be having?" the man asks for a Scotch and the Ostrich again asks for the same, the bartender comes back with the drinks and asks for "that will be 8.62" the man reachs into his coat pocket and again pays with exact change, the bartender at this point is very curious he asks the man "how do you come with exact everytime?" the man responds "well that's a very funny story one day I'm cleaning out my closet and this lamp fall out, I rub the lamp and a genie pops out and grants me 2 wishs so on the 1st wish I asked that whenever I'm paying for anything I can reach into my pocket and get exact change" then the bartender asks "so what with the Ostrich?" the man responds "that was the 2nd wish, I asked for a chick with long legs".
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Old Mar 19th, 2004, 09:31 AM   #10
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In keeping with the Passion...

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's
back, he felt relief for the first time in years.

The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard
time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight.

Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the
lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his
hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability."
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