"Welcome to the Corporate News Network.I'm Aaron Brownnose and we've got some more great pictures of things blowing up and heroic American youth riding around in tanks.Let's go to Joe Blow on the carrier Armageddon.Can you hear me Joe?"
"10-4,good buddy.I'm talking to General Green.Is it true that American planes have just taken off from this carrier?"
"I can neither confirm or deny ongoing operations, but our cause is just, and the outcome is certain.Planes may have taken off earlier to pick up some fried chicken in Qatar and were sucessful."
"Wow! How is the morale here,General?"
"That's classified,but the men and women enjoyed the chicken very much.Show more nice pictures of planes taking off and landing...that's what you're here for.Our cause is just, and the outcome is certain"
"Wow!What does that thing over there do?"
"That's the military intercept device each American force allegedly here is equipped with to allegedly monitor reports by embedded reporters.I just push this and..."
"Wow! We seem to have lost out feed from the Armaggedon.As you see, I'm looking very concerned here.What does out military analyst make of this? Dr. Strangelove?"
"Since the Pentagon stopped reporting any American casualties,the war seems to be going much better on TV.We're still over-extended, and misjudged the capability of the Iraqi army. The real reason Bush and Blair are meeting today is to discuss the need for another 300 to 500 more tanks and thousands of more troops to properly take Baghdad.Tommy Franks has had a new asshole cut for him by the Pentagon and we are starting to carpet-bomb because we've burned up a ton of Tomahawks and smart bombs.I guess I shoudnt tell you that the Turkish army has 100s of tanks already in Iraq because.."
(long pause,cut to pictures of nothing happening at night in Baghdad ,heroic American youth riding around in tanks )
"This is Aaron Brownnose again.Dr.Strangelove will be filing reports from Guantanamo Bay for us soon as a guest of the CIA.Our cause is just, and the outcome is certain.Here's some more nice pictures of tanks racing across the desert.Are you there,Arnold?"
"No, I'm not.But I can tell you that we have taken Umm Qasr and Basra.I've reported that every day so far,and someday it will actually happen.Sorry I made up all that stuff about the 8,000 Iraqis surrendering, and the Basra uprising and the humanitarian aid photo-op ,and the non-existent WMD chemical factory,but it's pretty dull when all your reports are..( line goes dead for 5 seconds )But,I can authoritavely state that the Iraqi Army eats children ! We now have definitive proof!"
"Wow! That really make me sick.In other news,the President woke up this morning and had breakfast.Our senior White House correspondent John King has the details.John?"
"Aaron, details are a little sketchy at this point,but senior administration officials are now saying that the President may NOT, I repeat NOT, had breakfast this morning.We hope to get more on this at the briefing later today.Our cause is just, and the outcome is certain"
"Wow !John, give us a sense of what that means for the War On Iraq"
"Aaron, we have a lot of air time to fill up here.We cant tell you much from Iraq these days because the miltary has shut down many of the in-bed-with correspondents and wont admit to any US casualties anymore.We've almost run out of pictures of things blowing up because many of them have already been destroyed
and the Pentagon is sensitive to pictures of carpet-bombing going out.We can still blame Al Jazeera for showing those terrible pictures the other day,and continue to hack their new English language website.I wish I could tell you about how ballistic the White House is over those things the Russians sold Saddam that jam the GPS signals the bombs use to lock onto their targets,but obviously, I cant.I can tell you that Our Cause Is Just, And The Outcome Is Certain.Aaron?"
"That was John King from the White House.As you know, a large media conglomerate called Clear Channel, which owns thousands of radio stations across America,has been organizing the pro-war demonstrations across the country.Some say it is an attempt to influence the upcoming FTC hearings on the dangers of media concentration of the airwaves.We are glad here at CNN to have wholesome,patriotic Americans to put on the air instead of those pinko UN lovers all the time.Here's Wolf Blitzkreig"
"Aaron, I so sick of fishing sand out of my food all the time and standing here like an idiot in the middle of the night.Truth is, if we didnt have the Al Jazeera feed here, we woudnt know what's going on.I guess we can re-run that bit about the Army hospital for the 500th time and talk to reporters about what's going on in Baghdad who arent even in the country anymore.I asked the Air Force Major about why Shock And Awe hasnt produced the complete surrender of the entire nation of Iraq, and was told that we are not to use that term anymore.We will be hearing a lot about Surgical Devastation in the next little
while, the new term for carpet-bombing.
However,Our Cause Is Just,The Outcome Is Certain, We.."
"Sorry to cut you off,here's the President speaking in the bathroom mirror a few minutes ago..."
(cut to White House)
"Our cause is just, our resolve is resolvable,and the outcome is outcomable.We did not want this oil..uuhh,war.I resolve to resolvolate the Iraqi people,get the UN to release the billions in the Oil For Food account, and then cut em' right outta the loop over there.Companies that are friends of mine and Mr.Cheney are already being awarded billions in contracts for reconstruction.Our Cause Is Just,Our Resolve Is Resolvable,The Outcome Is Certain."
"Wow!The President,in the White House bathroom mirror, just minutes ago.Remember, folks, it's only propaganda when the other side does it.We've been waiting for this war to start for months,ratings are great, and now we'll go back to exploiting the grief of families who's sons or daughters are captured or MIA.Its a great way to chew up airtime and keep us from reporting on actual war news.And dont forget,America,Our Cause Is Just, And The Outcome Is Certain."