: how do i kill a large Turkey?...humanly


gastonbuffet
Oct 7th, 2006, 10:34 AM
so i wanted to do it with respect and honour for the bird, so i used my Samurai sword; but....after all is said and done the Turkey is still alive (althought he mistrusts me now) and my fridge has a huge dent on the side.

I don't own a gun, but even if i did, i live in a condo and i guess to start shooting inside the apartment is not an option (drywall walls no thick enough, i might kill a neighbour).

Ideas?????

my great grandma used to grab the chickens by the neck and flip 'em. But this is a big turkey ......and i'm a chicken, i don't want to grab Tony.

MissGulch
Oct 7th, 2006, 10:41 AM
"Anestheticize him by reading some Dreiser." ~Woody Allen

Or I could send me mother over to nag him to death.

This is a tough question, dude. I imagine most people here buy their meat products under plastic and let other people do the dirty work. Tony will never trust you again after the Samurai incident, so beware of a contentuous relationship if you decide to spare his life.

shaker440
Oct 7th, 2006, 10:51 AM
So you tried to kill a large turkey named Tony with a samurai sword in your condo without holding him down? That would be some action sequence methinks. How did this large bird get into your condo in the first place?

SINC
Oct 7th, 2006, 10:53 AM
Feed him a bottle of this bourbon

http://media.paragraphpublishing.net/store/home/whisky/bottle/wtoz/598.jpg

Wait until he passes out, and cook him while he's sleeping might work?

Conversely, you could drink the bottle, release the hostage and when you wake up, think you had turkey. :D

Dr.G.
Oct 7th, 2006, 11:04 AM
Let him sit at the head of the table and he will die of shame when he sees no turkey. However, since you have named him, you now cannot kill him.

Puccasaurus
Oct 7th, 2006, 11:05 AM
so i wanted to do it with respect and honour for the bird, so i used my Samurai sword; but....after all is said and done the Turkey is still alive (althought he mistrusts me now) and my fridge has a huge dent on the side.

Ummm....you're joking, right? :confused:

SINC
Oct 7th, 2006, 11:32 AM
Ummm....you're joking, right? :confused:
gb has the wildest sense of humour on the board. A little off beat at times, but always entertaining. ;)

MissGulch is pretty good with the comebacks too. That line about her mother nagging it to death got me giggling. :lmao:

sheamusj
Oct 7th, 2006, 11:37 AM
You need a turkey expert... Try George Bush and.. I hear his VP is a good shot... Is perchance your turkey also a lawyer?

darkscot
Oct 7th, 2006, 12:02 PM
Hug him and slit his throat. In the bathtub so no mess.

MissGulch
Oct 7th, 2006, 12:07 PM
Hug him and slit his throat. In the bathtub so no mess.
Yes, this is the Mafia way. We do it this way for the family. A kiss good-bye is a nice touch, but strictly optional. beejacon

RevMatt
Oct 7th, 2006, 12:33 PM
What about the old concrete shoes trick? If you throw them in a big tub of broth then they have a nice marinated taste.

Snapple Quaffer
Oct 7th, 2006, 03:21 PM
Show him re-runs of some matches from the last World Cup. I'm sure that there will be at least one match where he will expire from over-excitement leading to disappointment. ;)

zoziw
Oct 7th, 2006, 03:22 PM
so i wanted to do it with respect and honour for the bird, so i used my Samurai sword; but....after all is said and done the Turkey is still alive (althought he mistrusts me now) and my fridge has a huge dent on the side.

Go train at a Kendo dojo for a year a try again. Keep the turkey well fed and he will be even bigger next year.

For this year, it's Swanson's turkey TV dinner for you.

RevMatt
Oct 7th, 2006, 03:44 PM
Show him re-runs of some matches from the last World Cup. I'm sure that there will be at least one match where he will expire from over-excitement leading to disappointment. ;)

I don't know if that's wise. Think of what level a Turkey's head is at if he Zidanes you.

FeXL
Oct 7th, 2006, 03:57 PM
For this year, it's Swanson's turkey TV dinner for you.

Buddy of mine & I spent Thanksgiving in Rez when we were in university. We had Swanson's turkey dinner, hungry man size. Not the sort of thing I want to repeat w/ any degree of regularity, but we still laugh about it today.

I think all the beer helped...

Snapple Quaffer
Oct 7th, 2006, 04:20 PM
I don't know if that's wise. Think of what level a Turkey's head is at if he Zidanes you.
:eek: Turkey 2 GB 0 you mean? :D

BigDL
Oct 7th, 2006, 05:00 PM
Does this turkey post at Ehmac or even own a Mac? If the answer is no, then any method to dispatch this turkey is more than humane. PC using bassss...kets.

MACSPECTRUM
Oct 7th, 2006, 08:48 PM
i would make a smart ass comment like; "paint a big UN on the turkey and let the IDF know where he is"

that that wouldn't be in the spirit of thanksgiving...
;)

MasterBlaster
Oct 7th, 2006, 10:08 PM
.

IronMac
Oct 8th, 2006, 08:55 AM
Yep, you named him so he's now family. Deal with it. :lmao:

MACSPECTRUM
Oct 8th, 2006, 09:31 AM
XX)

Hey, thats a not a humane death!

Let the Turkey live with my ex-wife, then it will welcome death....:yikes:

:D :D :D

altho' i don't know how "humane" that is...
;)

HowEver
Oct 8th, 2006, 10:43 AM
Don't worry, we won't let the JDL know where you are...

i would make a smart ass comment like; "paint a big UN on the turkey and let the IDF know where he is"

that that wouldn't be in the spirit of thanksgiving...
;)

MACSPECTRUM
Oct 8th, 2006, 11:08 AM
Don't worry, we won't let the JDL know where you are...

they already know

scootsandludes
Oct 8th, 2006, 12:08 PM
I saw on Wanted Ted or Alive, when Ted Nugent demonstrated a humane way of killing a chicken by grabbing the body and smashing it's head against something, real quick and humane. I was actually surprised on how much he emphasized humane. Might sound horrendous, but if you think about, the bird is dead in a split second. So no pain.

All joking aside, I recently moved into a condo townhouse unit, and I let my dog roam around in the community backyard, we're not allowed to do that but nobody complains as long as we clean up after them but I digress. But during the summer I let my dog out in the backyard, and he was all interested in this one neighbour who he never noticed before, turns out he was slaughtering chickens. I was a bit disgusted by the act, I think it should have been done if he was gonna be doing it, in the garage. But in this day in age, what's the difference from buying a live chicken and buying a chicken from the market, and we live 5 minutes away from a very good supermarket with a proper butcher. He got feathers everywhere, and I think my dog might have found a neck bone or something, cause he was chewing on something. Well if I see it again, I'll report it anonymously, cause I'm sure that's against our condos community code of not allowing farm animals on property.