Subject: The Christmas Party
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 01, 2003
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas
Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon
in the private function room at the Grill House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll
have a small band playing traditional carols...feel
free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO
shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree
will be lit at 1:00 pm. Gifts should not be over $10.00
to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's
pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our
CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
************************************************** ***********************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 02, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to
exclude our Jewish employees.We recognize that Chanukah
is an important holiday, which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."
The same policy applies to any other employees who are
not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree present.
No Christmas carols sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
************************************************** ************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 03, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't
sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request,
but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you
wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to
handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange,
no gift exchange is allowed since the union members feel
that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe
$10.00 is a little chintzy.
NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
************************************************** *************************
*
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: November 04, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December
20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which
forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of
year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving
your meal until the end of the party- or else package
everything for you to take it home in a little foil doggy
baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight
Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other.
Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have
their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for
the gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress,
No cross-dressing allowed, though.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food
will be made available for those on a diet.
We cannot control the salt used in the food so we suggest
for those people with high blood pressure to taste first.
There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics, the
restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.
Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
************************************************** ************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F**king Employees
DATE: November 05, 2003
RE: The F**king Holiday Party
Vegetarian pricks! ! I've had it with you people!!!
We're going to keep this party at the Grill House
whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table
furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it,
and you'll get your f**king salad bar, including organic
tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.
They scream when you slice them. I've heard them
scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all
have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
************************************************** ************************
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources
Director
DATE: November 06, 2003
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon
of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
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